I think I am going through a mini-depression. I don't say that lightly. I really think I am. I can always tell when I am getting down because I start reading a bunch of fluffy fiction books. nonstop. I have read 9 books in the last 8 days. All of them fluff. Nothing of value to them other than the opportunity to escape life for a while. That is so not like me.
You see, I turn 40 in less than 2 weeks. Why do milestone birthdays seem to make us evaluate our lives? Why do we start thinking about "where we are" compared to "where we thought we'd be"?
I always assumed that by the time I hit 40, I would:
- have finished my college degree.
- be enjoying a fabulous career in accounting (yes, I know that is an oxymoron because accounting is supposed to be boring - but I've always loved it and that was my goal).
- be more grown up and super confident and oh-so-very sure of myself and life and things in general.
- have a herd of really terrific girlie friends that would help me enjoy being "fabulous at 40".
- be fit, trim, completely in-style, and still have gorgeous fingernails.
- have only taken 2 additional classes since I earned my Associates Degree in 1995.
- have no career whatsoever.
- still feel like I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing.
- have a couple of casual scrapbooking friends, but no really strong "best-friend", long-term girlfriends who know how to make me laugh and cheer me up and who would call to be sad with me that I am turning 40 and haven't reached any of my goals and dreams. My parents moved too much during my childhood for me to ever have forged those types of friendships so I completely lack that skill.
- am pudgy, wear nothing but capris and tank tops in the summer, and my fingernails are atrocious (I stopped getting them done when I was pregnant with Brendan and I've missed them every since).
I know I've done a lot of things since my 20's, but I am not at all where I expected myself to be. And while I am extremely happy with my life, I can't help but think that my 25-year-old-self would be quite disappointed (on the verge of disgusted) with my almost-40-year-old-self. And that makes me somewhat sad. And the fact that I am sad makes me even more sad because I am typically a very positive person. Does that make sense to anyone but me?
I wandered around Barnes & Noble for a while last night. My little escape after we finished dinner. Tom always encourages me to get away like that because I usually come home so refreshed. Not last night. I wandered around for a while and bought a scrapooking magazine (the only one I don't get as a subscription), and couldn't really find anything that I wanted to buy, which is highly unusual. I love books. I read constantly (although not usually at the pace of 9 books in 8 days). I did find something that struck me as quite odd though: as I was perusing through the Biography section, I realized that Pope John Paul II's biography was located directly NEXT TO some famous porn star, Jenna Jamison's (well, according to her book cover she is a famous porn star). I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. PJP2 must be rolling over in his grave!!!
On a brighter note, look what I got for my birthday from my very understanding, totally amazing, and completely wonderful husband:
He gave it to me early. I love it. It can hold so many more songs than my old iPod did. And it is pink which makes it way cuter than my old iPod, too.
Just so this post doesn't sound overly-negative, I feel like I should add some positive things to it. So, while I am not where I thought I would be, I am blessed because:
- I have focused on raising my children rather than furthering my education up to this point. I can always go back to school, but this time in their lives is so fleeting.
- I have the luxury and supreme honor of staying at home to make sure that my family knows that they are far more important to me than any career I could ever have.
- I know that I have no idea what I am doing in this life, but I guess that is the nice thing about life. We never know what it's all about. It just "is". That's what makes it so darned fun.
- my dearest friend in the world happens to have chosen ME to spend forever with. He is an amazing person and even after almost 14 years, I still pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming.
- I am making changes to get back in shape, lose weight, and then I can buy some super-cute trendy new clothes. or not. And although my nails aren't gorgeous any more, they are practical and perfectly fine for my lifestyle right now.
I'd better end this before I go all negative again. Have a blessed day!